"The horror. The horror."

When I was thinking of this blog post, I thought about an accompanying photo and title. I chose these to illustrate what I was feeling when I learned of people’s reactions to my previous blog post. In my head, that seminal quote from “Apocalypse Now” took on a slightly sarcastic twinge but accurate nonetheless. I chose this photo of the late, great Marlon Brando as an illustration of perceptions – this big, scary “monster” displaying a vulnerability ready for public consumption. I guess that’s how I see myself when I write on my blogs. I have been, for a few years now, seen as “the other”. Alarmingly apparent in Japan and below the surface here in Scotland, but with me as a constant companion. I have very few local friends here, so when I can’t make like E.T. and phone home, I blog. Now, I have irked others by what I have written in the past and I have found out about it through comments or via a private email or phone call. And that’s cool. To paraphrase Bob Marley, you can’t make everyone happy all the time, so you need to have dialogue to work things out. With that in mind, I’d like to ask to people who read my blog, if I’ve communicated something that is not to your liking or you think is just dead wrong, please let me know. I assume adults read this thing and while I know my audience is small (C7, I still don’t know how to work Analytics!), it’s big to me. I started this thing 4 years ago via Kaki Means Persimmon and I think I self-censored a whole lot less then. But I know that I like writing and expressing myself and being the extrovert that I am, I’m not going to shy away from being as honest as I can be on a public blog. But let me make this clear: this is my blog. Not my husband’s. He doesn’t know what I write and he’s not my editor. I would strongly prefer that if you want to say something about what I’ve written, please say it to me. I promise, I won’t bite. Hard.

Gulp gulp.

I think I might be drinking more and it might be for nefarious reasons. I can definitely handle my booze and stop when I’ve had enough, but I’ve noticed that when I’m in certain settings, I tend to drink more. Or think about drinking more. I think it’s out of sheer boredom and a lack of connection with people. When I’m invited to join certain groups, the first thing I think of is “I hope there is decent wine because I am going to need it to make it through this evening”. And that’s appalling to me. I never used to think that way. The Brits have no sense of saying when enough is enough (I know this is a generalization but it's honestly what I've observed) and I’m worried that I’ve started to adopt this thinking. I’ve never drunk myself into oblivion or puked or peed in public, which my follow residents are apt to do, but my thinking has changed. I sometimes want to get drunk to better endure the conversation, the jokes and the atmosphere. And that sucks. Hard. NYE is fast approaching, and given our dire evening two years ago when I tried so hard to get drunk to escape the tedium and blandness, I’ve told that Dave that I don’t want to celebrate outside with anyone else. Stilted conversations with a bottle of Malibu just ain’t my idea of fun. I wish we could get away and watch fireworks light up the sky, but we can’t. Though a roaring fire, my sweetie beside me and a glass (or two) of champagne would be the next best thing.

Taking stock

Sometimes, when you're feeling like poop, it's just good to remember what you've done in your life thus far. I found the below list on a blue day and it perked me up a bit. I hope you can have a smile when you read it and reflect on your experiences. Enjoy.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld/Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you were not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been laid off from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

BAWLING.

Ok, I just happened upon this on a design blog and I'm tearing up at my desk at work. I'm so bawling on the inside right now, it hurts. It totally reminds me of our proposal as it also took place in our kitchen and culminated with me sobbing my freaking face off and wearing my unflattering Ottawa U. pants with a green knitted sweater and no bra. Sniff. Who says romance is dead?

Wife. Life.

There has been a lot of (sometimes heated) talk about what being a wife is and what the word has meant in history and what it means now. I've liked the dialogue that has taken place here and here . I find that it’s such a personal thing, but I’ll share what it means to me. It means commitment, love, support and companionship. My reality of wife encompasses rubbing Tiger Balm on Dave’s chest before bedtime when he’s ill and listening to his problems when he’s steaming. It’s striving to keep our priorities aligned and going the extra distance for him to make his life happier and more grounded. It’s a promise of always holding his hand and chatting in our bed about our dreams for the future right before sleep takes us.

For a long time, I thought I would never be a wife, and for the most part, I was OK was that. In my mind, I always knew life’s labels are not what makes you you and me me. But when I became his wife and more profoundly, his life, it was an identity I fell in love with.

I’m one of those people who deeply believes that marriage does change things and that a marriage certificate is more than just a piece of paper. Sure, you can be committed without all the legal work and ceremony and that’s beautiful. But for myself, a girl that loves security and nailing things down, my marriage has made my love for my husband bottomless and I feel it even more so now than before in my body and in my mind. I sometimes look at him in profile and feel an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude, and while those feelings are sometimes replaced with disbelief and annoyance, I know he’s mine for forever + a day. It’s good and it’s mine. For me, that’s what it is to be a wife.

On time and waiting (*written on Thanksgiving Day)

I will fully admit that I’m not the most patient of individuals. I’m like this in nearly every situation, and I really try my best to calm down but I sometimes snap when I feel like I’m getting tested. I even pray for patience because it’s not something I feel I can do on my own. I feel like I’ve become better at resisting the urge to pitch a shit fit whenever something is not happening NOW, but there is always room for improvement. For example, I nearly had a wee breakdown the other night when Dave and I missed our last train home. We had left our friends’ flat after a delicious dinner of Mexican dishes and imported beer. We ran for the train but we missed it and it made me so upset. Background: I take the train and bus everyday for 3 hours round trip (this includes walking and waiting time). We don’t have a car nor do we plan on getting one. On top of that, my train was late that morning. So I had a bitch fit on the train. I wasn’t crazy but I had this overwhelming feeling of “f*ck this”. So I very nearly ruined our nice evening because of my inability to roll with the punches, though the £40 fare we had to pay to get home from a neighbouring town pretty much did that.

Anyway, the point is there was absolutely nothing I could have done about this situation nor is there anything I can do about all the waiting I have to do on macro and micro levels. For reasons that I can’t really get into on a public blog (ok, I choose not to get into them), I can’t quit my job and we can’t spend the money on a car, nor can I up and move to Canada tomorrow. I can’t change this situation for a few years so I have to be patient and just live with it. We have mighty big plans for our future. I need to look to them while being happy with what we have now. It’s so tough but I can do it. And hey, it’s perfectly ok to get really pissed off as long as it’s temporary and no one gets hurt.

Frankly speaking, I know I wouldn’t be living this life had I not fallen in love with my husband. Dave is ridiculously patient and he really keeps me going. He is so calm and rational when I so am not, and I’m madly in love with him. He makes everything worth it. On this day of giving thanks (in Canada), I am so thankful for Dave. He keeps me grounded while reminding me of our plans and keeping me laughing.

Holy poop, I'm bored. I'm sorry, I don't have much to say right now. Summer is gone, it's getting cold and the days are shorter. I went to Nottingham for a very brief, but much needed getaway and I'm back, thinking about the future while trying (and failing) to remain in the present. No holiday any time soon and the attainment of goals seem so far away. Damn. It sucks working in a cold office. I'm going to heat up my chilli and my cornbread and wait until it's time to head out to my dressmaking class. In the words of the wonder Liz Lemon: "Blergh".