Flying Solo

I went to see Harry Potter all by my lonesome last night because no one wanted to see it with me and you know what?   I had a nice time flying solo. 

I arrived just as the commercials were starting and didn't have to shop around for seats for 2, which was nice as the theatre was close to full.  I just plunked myself down next to a couple of chicks exactly where I wanted to sit (about 4 rows from the top, right side aisle seat) and enjoyed the show without feeling weird.  When the credits started rolling at the end, I hopped out of my seat and was the first one out of the theatre.  It was just freeing. 

It was a cool night and having dressed in jeans and a light sweater, I sauntered home, thinking about a few things and processing a few others.  I had such a nice walk, I walked a bit further before eventually heading home.  I like spending time alone and I like just being within myself.  My friend had mocked me earlier in the day when I told her I was planning on flying solo to the movies, but it's nice to just be responsible for yourself once and a while.  My thoughts are often consumed with a future baby and I am so aware that hopefully very soon, it won't just be me and Dave running out on a moment's whim and being free.  So while it's just us for the next while, I plan on hanging with just me as much as I can.

Summer, Summer, Summertime

It has been that kind of summer, one that helps with the grieving. I feel my daughter everywhere I look - through the rustling leaves, in the fluffy white clouds and when I see squirrels running around doing their squirrely business (for some reason, I know that she'd be wild about animals). Last summer, in the thick of my grief, I cursed the sunshine and the long, bright days. Now I revel in them because they make me feel closer to her.

Things are ticking along well in the Big Smoke. We both have jobs, there's a world of adventure at our doorstop and our laughter moves from room to room in our lovely flat. Someone is still missing though, but we say her name and keep her with us in every thing we do.

We have fun a lot. I think we have to.

















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Finding faith

Beautiful sakura right near my work.

After a trying a couple of weeks ago, I feel like I want to return to having faith.  Don't get it twisted - I don't feel like that thing called God and I can be BFF right now, but I feel like I can't carry the load on my own anymore.  I am a ruthlessly inefficient over-thinker and I have been for most of my life.  But I started to change this is Japan when I decided to let some things go and hand it over to the "universe".  I would wake up in the morning, sit in seiza while looking out at the moutains and give thanks for my life and all the gifts that had been bestowed upon me.  At night, before falling asleep, I would give thanks for the lessons I had learned that day, and prayed for blessings for my loved ones. 

When I moved to the UK, I stopped meditating in the mornings, but I always woke up and fell asleep giving thanks.  Unfortunately, my bad habits slowly returned and I would overthink and get stressed out by my precarious position in the UK, when honestly, things weren't that bad.

When I became pregnant with Isla, I gave thanks morning, noon and night, happy to have her inside of me and feeling like each day was a gift.  But then she died.

And I haven't been the same since.

Sakura will always remind me of Isla.

After nearly a year of walking this spiritual past aimlessly and blindly, I know I need to give up some of my anxiety to faith. 

Faith that I'm not alone.

Faith that I'll be happy, fulfilled and free.

Faith that I'll get pregnant again and carry a baby to term.

So I'm trying.  I give thanks when I remember and let things go when there is nothing more I could possibly do.  I don't expect to have the blind faith I had before any time soon, but I do believe I'm ready for the universe to carry the load when it feels too heavy upon my shoulders.

A couple of years ago I wanted to get the word faith tattooed on my wrist.  That got veteod by Dave so I'm going to try to tattoo it on my mind.

And so it begins.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
(or a really rocking pair of flats)

Remember me, remember her

http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/

Today is International Baby Lost Mother's Day.  It recognizes all those mothers who have had to say goodbye to a baby or  babies, and who have a wound in their hearts.  She might be your friend, your neighbour or even your own mother.  Please take a moment to think of her and to wish her nothing but love, joy and happiness in the future.  If you're reading this post after the day has passed, don't worry.  Just close your eyes, think of her, and send her good vibes.  There, you're done.

Thank you.

Big, fat update post

It's been a whole month since I last updated and things have progressed.  A lot. Rather than turn this into a monster post, I'll break down what's been happening in manageable bites:

Reunion

This was before the beard came off.  I loved that beard..

On April 5th, Dave touched down at Pearson and we were finally reunited after 83 days of living apart.  He breezed through immigration and into my arms and he hasn't left them since.  I can't really describe how it felt to see his beardy face after nearly 3 months of infuriatingly haphazard Skype chats and broken up long distance conversations.  I can't get enough of his kisses, his voice and his smell.  This is the closest to feeling whole in about a year.  He has been working hard at settling in, putting together furniture for me and applying for jobs.  I'm so happy he's here and we can truly start over again.


Home

Our apartment is coming along now.  We have hung up items on the walls, personalized furuniture and purchased a new home entertainment unit.  There are items missing like a rug, a coffee table, a sitting chair and odds and ends, but we're here for the long haul.  All that stuff can wait until we found the perfect accompaniement rather than running out to buy something just because I want the finished look.  I plan on posting a few before and afters because I'm really "in like" with our home and happy with where we live.

Health

These ads are ridiculous. Love the grafitti.

Due to the graciousness of a great friend, I met up with a holistic therapist who came over to my house about a month ago to talk about our loss and healing.  I never got the chance to talk to a therapist after losing Isla, and after all the months that have passed, I feel like talking it out is the best thing for me.  Rebecca communicated with me from the point of view of a naturopath and spiritual healer and I did feel lighter and more hopeful after we talked, and luckily, I have been riding that wave ever since.  She also diagnosed with me with having too much acid in my body which has led to some unpleasant side effects ever since after I gave birth.  Based on her suggestions, I've undertaken a fairly strict diet where I have cut out dairy, sweets (including most fruits), wheat and everything delicious and fattening in an effort to balance my body out.  While I was focusing on ridding myself of my oh-so-annoying affliction, I lost weight without even trying.  I have gone down two belt sizes and my clothes are all looser.  I have a more athletic build right now with abs and smaller hips, which is a bit weird.  Dave thinks my body is rocking and I'm pleased, but I want to be better on the inside as well.  This is month 2 so we'll see if I'm "cured".

Job

Since arriving in January, I have had two jobs and have been interviewed 5 times.  I can finally say that I will be starting a third job next month, which, happily is permanent.  That means I'll have benefits, vacation, security, and one less thing to worry about when planning about the future.  It has been a struggle to get to this place.  This is a topic I'll probably revisit in the future.

Extracurricular Activities

As I mentioned a couple of months back, I got elected to the executive of the JET alumni organization here so I have been out to meeting and activities, which have been a really great way to meet new people and get out in the city.  I also got the opportunity to write a restaurant review, participate in a fundraiser for the recent Japanese earthquake and tsunami and try my hand at rock climbing.  It has been taking more of my time than I anticipated, but that has been good.  I've realized though that my focus right now is on pregnancy losses (duh) and connecting with other women who have suffered.  I think that's probably something I'll get more involved in as time goes by.  In the meantime, I organized and participated in a meet up for other baby loss mommas in the GTA and our first meeting was great (well, as great as can be when you're talking about the babies that you lost).  It helps me have an outlet for the pain I still and will always have.  We're meeting again in a few days and I can't wait.

Social Life

To put it briefly, my social life has been rocking.  I have such great friends here and I feel like a fun outing is just a text away. I have peeps here from university and an old job, as well as my old friends, the Pinay crew.  I cannot say how much I laugh when I'm with my friends.  When we get together, we are 18 years old again, and I savour those moments.  On the flip side, they have also cried with me when I've had my down days.  I love them so much.  Toronto would not be the same without them.

Isla

Thoughts of my daughter are, of course, are on my mind every day, just not all day any more.  I think of her frequently and it always reaches fever pitch around the middle of the month.  My brain subconsciously marks the time of the month when we lost her last May.  She was born on the 17th and without fail and usually without me realizing it, I go down that deep pit of despair for a while.  I remember things vividly and I cry and feel lost and empty.  I am coping with these dark times better and better though.  Her birthday is coming up and I have been racking my brain thinking of coming up with a good way to...pay homage to her life?  No, that's not it.  Acknowledge her presence here on earth?  Hmmm....getting closer.  It's just hard.  One of my BFFs gave me a cracking idea - pay it forward.  She told me about a friend of a friend who lost a baby and who honours her baby's life by buying various baby items and donating it to the maternity ward of a hospital.  That's nice but I think I rather donate to other mothers who are going through the same thing I went through last year.  One thing that struck me when they brought Isla to me was that she was dressed in a very lovely outfit.  Someone, most likely a woman who had to say goodbye to her baby too soon, took the time to sit down and make clothes for really small babies.  Isla weighed 1lb 1oz when she was born.  And she was decked out in a lovely pink knitted dress and a pink and white knitted toque.  And she looked lovely.  Someone gave her clothes when nothing you could have bought in a store would have fit her and I'm grateful my baby had something made just for her.  So it seems right to do that for someone else.  With just a few weeks to go before her birthday, I won't have enough time to knit something that is of good quality, but in the months to come, I swear I'll do this and send it to the hospital in Isla's name.

And that's where we are.  I plan on having a lot of fun this summer and being really, really busy having a life.  Toronto is truly a great city and I'm sorry I never gave it a good chance till now.  Here are a few scenes from our walk this past weekend:

Underwear found in Kensington Market.

Dave is apparently quite a well known artist in Canada.  Google it.

Ramen mascot on Spadina Ave.

I think they suit him.

Progress

Hi y'all.  I feel like I haven't had a chance to blog in a while and I really want to, but alas, I'm without internet right now and blogging at work is kinda tacky, huh (sheepish grin)?  Things have been moving forward and I have been feeling better than I have in a long while.  Things are in a little bit of a transition right now - emotionally, physically and spiritually, but I feel (dare I say?) happy.  I have been learning a few things and I have so much support, so I'm going to try to make this last.

Until I can write a proper blog post, here are a couple of lovely things I found:

This makes me thing about Dave and I, but then again, everything does!  I can't wait for him to get here.  TWO MORE WEEKS!

This article also made me smile.  It's all about finding love abroad, which as you know, is truly close to my heart.  Thanks to Loverly for having such a sweet story (and blog)!

Lemonade

I realize the last post was pretty heavy.  I got some concerned phone calls and emails, and I'm so grateful for all the love I have in my life.  I've written a post that is honest and hardcore, but I'm not ready to share that, but I promise I will one day.  I guess I just want to be even more honest about what I've been feeling regarding being a baby loss mama.  One day.

Lately, I've been on an upswing.  I went to a local support group for grieving parents and that helped immensely.  While I have friends who I can share so much with and who cry and grieve with me, there is something calming about being in a room full of people who have also lost a baby or babies.  It just feels like I'm less of a freak and that my tears/rage/sadness is NORMAL.  So yeah.  That was very intense, but cathartic as well.  I've also made contact with another group that will be closer to our new apartment and should start in the summer.  Hopefully, that will be successful too.

I'm also very happy that the countdown to Dave's arrival is now on! 4 MORE WEEKS!  I can't wait to kiss his beardy face again.  In the meantime, I have been driving around this sprawling megapolis securing furniture, furnshings and supplies for our new apartment, which I will be moving into on Saturday.  I have been finding inspiration everywhere and I can't wait to make it our own.  Our stuff that was shipped from Scotland should be arriving in a few weeks and it'll be great to have all our stuff we've collected from Japan and Scotland here, under one roof.  I plan on blogging about making our apartment a home, so that will be different, and hopefully good.

I've also taken a risk in terms of my job/career and I'm hoping it will pay off.  I don't want to say much more right now, but it was very uncharacteristic of me to say no even though I would have jumped up and down saying "YES" 8 years ago.  Well, we all know that that girl is dead and gone. I guess the biggest thing I've learned through all this stuff is that life is risky, life isn't guaranteed and take advantage of every good thing when you have it.  I'm trying.  Holy crap, I'm trying.