This morning Dave and I left the flat, heading to the park for a late morning jog, when I tripped over the pavement and fell hard on grass and gravel, skinning me knee and hand, knocking the breath out of me. A lady asked if I was alright and Dave told me that we should go back to the flat and rest. After assessing my bloodied knee and ascertaining that my weak ankles were not damaged, I told him that we should keep going. So he helped me get up, I brushed myself off and that's what we did.
I guess those two anecdotes basically illustrate how I've been handling grieving for our little girl. Each time I despair and weep and feel like sleeping forever, I feel it and then brush it off and keep going. I'm sure I'm stronger for it. Every time I break down and every time I tell someone else that yes, I had the baby, but she died, I feel like I'm becoming that lion-hearted girl. Laughing helps and so does running. Hugging and crying also help to soothe the pain. I think about my pregnancy so fondly. I loved that time my daughter and I shared. Her somersaults and kicks and punches, letting me know that she was alive and growing. I absolutely hate that she's gone, along with her future, her potential and her place in the world. But I love that I was her mother for too brief a time.
I haven't weighed myself yet, but I suspect I'm getting close to my pre-pregnancy weight. It was important to me to lose the weight I put on over the last few months because it seemed so sad to me to keep carrying the baby weight without the baby. A sad empty belly with nothing to show for it. Now that it's pretty flat again, I feel better and look back at my bump with fondness tinged with sadness; bittersweet in every sense of the word.
I've never really shared this pictures before, but I feel that now it's right to:
|Week 22 - Exactly 1 week before I gave birth to Isla|
As the Brits say, I was carrying "neat". My body was changing immensely, but I loved it. I absolutely fucking loved it. I feel stronger each day, but damn, sharing this was hard. I think I'll sign off here.
BTW, I wanted to thank everyone who commented and discussed with me what I wrote in my previous post. My new beliefs are helping me immensely through this process so thank you for your intelligent and respectful thoughts.