I have to be honest: I'm a liar. A lie nearly every day. I lie through my teeth when people ask me things and I lie by withholding my true feelings. I'm a dirty, filthy liar. And I can't stop.
I wish I had the power and the guts to say "No, I'm not okay" when someone asks me how I am. I wish I can answer truthfully and tell them I cried my eyes out for hours when they ask me what I did last night. I wish I could wipe that stupid, pasted on smile off my face when all I want to do is grimace and moan. I'm so scared that I'll alienate everyone in my life by telling a simple truth: that I'm grieving, I'm depressed and I sometimes have "bad thoughts".
I know I'm getting better but in some ways, I feel like this grief will never go away. I so wish this wasn't my life.
I just don't know what to do.
This woman is honest in a way I wish I could be now.
Friday, 18 February 2011
Toronto is a sprawling metropolis and is a bit intimidating. It's really disconcerting being away from your native country for so long and then returning to find that everything is more expensive than you remember and things are just so different. Thankfully, even though Dave is across the ocean, I'm not alone. I have been living with my sister who has been helping me navigate this new landscape, and my friends have been helping me settle in to a social life. I've been getting to know some new areas and I've been trying out new restaurants. I am also trying to get more involved. By all accounts, things are going well.
|My gorgeous pal, C.|
|Pretty horticultural society building.|
|The living room. This house has some good bones and I love this space.|
I also decided to throw my hat into the ring and volunteer myself as a group leader for Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It's a really amazing place online where women who have lost babies at all stages of pregnancy can go on and tell their stories (and read others) to gain a sense of community and support. I've said so many times that losing a baby and grieving is such an isolating process, so it's nice to find that you're not alone (as heartbreaking as that is). Anyway, the founders of the site recently had a lightbulb moment - they invited members of the community to set up face to face groups where people can get together with others who share a similar fate and I thought it was such a great idea. I've mentioned that the SANDS support meetings probably helped to save my life and I was desperately looking for similar in the Toronto area. I haven't found anything yet so I thought this would be a great thing. Now, I'm not the most seasoned of baby loss mamas but I feel if I can help support someone who is grieving, like I was supported by SANDS in the early days, then that would be a very great thing. Plus, I'm, hoping that I can get support as well. All in all, a pretty good thing. I've thought that since losing Isla, I'm trying to be the kind of women that would have been an amazing mother to my daughter. I'm really trying to live my best life and she is my motivation.
And with all that stuff going on, I landed a temporary job at the number 1 place I wanted to work in. I'm hoping one good thing can leader to even greater things so here's hoping. I start next week! So Toronto, cheers!