Sunday, 27 February 2011


I have to be honest:  I'm a liar.  A lie nearly every day.  I lie through my teeth when people ask me things and I lie by withholding my true feelings.  I'm a dirty, filthy liar.  And I can't stop.

I wish I had the power and the guts to say "No, I'm not okay" when someone asks me how I am.  I wish I can answer truthfully and tell them I cried my eyes out for hours when they ask me what I did last night.  I wish I could wipe that stupid, pasted on smile off my face when all I want to do is grimace and moan.  I'm so scared that I'll alienate everyone in my life by telling a simple truth: that I'm grieving, I'm depressed and I sometimes have "bad thoughts".

I know I'm getting better but in some ways, I feel like this grief will never go away.  I so wish this wasn't my life.
I just don't know what to do.

This woman is honest in a way I wish I could be now.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could say something insightful and profound to help, but I cannot find the words. You are courageous to admit your feelings here. I hope you will have the courage to admit them openly to your family and friends.

    I just want to reach out to you to say that I am thinking of you and sending e-hugs...