Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Finding faith

Beautiful sakura right near my work.
After a trying a couple of weeks ago, I feel like I want to return to having faith.  Don't get it twisted - I don't feel like that thing called God and I can be BFF right now, but I feel like I can't carry the load on my own anymore.  I am a ruthlessly inefficient over-thinker and I have been for most of my life.  But I started to change this is Japan when I decided to let some things go and hand it over to the "universe".  I would wake up in the morning, sit in seiza while looking out at the moutains and give thanks for my life and all the gifts that had been bestowed upon me.  At night, before falling asleep, I would give thanks for the lessons I had learned that day, and prayed for blessings for my loved ones. 

When I moved to the UK, I stopped meditating in the mornings, but I always woke up and fell asleep giving thanks.  Unfortunately, my bad habits slowly returned and I would overthink and get stressed out by my precarious position in the UK, when honestly, things weren't that bad.

When I became pregnant with Isla, I gave thanks morning, noon and night, happy to have her inside of me and feeling like each day was a gift.  But then she died.

And I haven't been the same since.
Sakura will always remind me of Isla.

After nearly a year of walking this spiritual past aimlessly and blindly, I know I need to give up some of my anxiety to faith. 

Faith that I'm not alone.

Faith that I'll be happy, fulfilled and free.

Faith that I'll get pregnant again and carry a baby to term.

So I'm trying.  I give thanks when I remember and let things go when there is nothing more I could possibly do.  I don't expect to have the blind faith I had before any time soon, but I do believe I'm ready for the universe to carry the load when it feels too heavy upon my shoulders.

A couple of years ago I wanted to get the word faith tattooed on my wrist.  That got veteod by Dave so I'm going to try to tattoo it on my mind.

And so it begins.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
(or a really rocking pair of flats)


  1. Kaki, your post made me think of this old gem, especially after I saw the photo you posted at the end. http://tinyurl.com/69kzsfg May faith be yours again, slowly, steadily.

  2. Selah. I totally believe in faith and it helps. Gratitutde is something that I try to make a part of my daily living and healing. Glad to hear that you've reconnected with that part of your life.

  3. I randomly happened upon your blog yesterday, thought it looked interesting, and started to read - I have now read all the way through the archives from the beginning up to the most recent post. I was really moved by your story, especially when I realized that today would have been Isla's birthday. Losing a baby sounds like a really difficult experience and I am truly sorry for the loss that you and your husband have suffered. I look forward to continuing to read about your adventures in the future and hope that the next year brings you more happiness.

  4. Congratulations, finding your faith is hard, because of what you have experienced, but you are getting there. You will have more children. God bless you and your husband.