Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Hot Mess

Today was a hard day.  I should have listened to my body and stayed in bed, but like the stubborn mule I am, I got up, showered and caught the train to work, telling myself it would be good to be out on a sunny day and have lunch with my friend/co-worker.

I'm not sure what exactly set me off, but I started crying after lunch and I could not stop.  I decided to go home and was walked out by my friend.  I tried to explain my feelings to her and I started crying as hard as I had when I realized the future we dreamed of was gone.  She held on to me and I held on to her, using her as my buoy.

I guess right now I'm feeling like I'm an absolute failure.  I feel real anxiety when my phone rings at work or someone mentions the programme I administer.  I'm fearful of running into certain people, much less talking to them about every day things like classes and induction.  I can't make decisions.  And I believe my feeling of inadequacy stems from the fact that I could not carry my baby to term and she died.  Rational?  No.  Normal?  From what I've been reading, yes, very.  I think about the last 7 months and I get flashbacks.  I see those grainy ultrasound images in my head and recall her perfect heart, kidneys, stomach, brain.  All wasted.  And I want fold into myself and stop being for a very long time.

It really is one day at a time.  On Monday, a co-worker of my mother-in-law came to talk to me about having gone through a similar situation and how she coped.  I hardly cried during our talk and she said she thought we were doing everything right during our process.  On Tuesday, I found out a friend of mine is pregnant and while I burst into red, hot tears I was and am genuinely happy for her.  No jealousy, just hope for her.  But today.  Ah.  Today was a hot, tranny mess.

I cannot articulate how difficult this is.  I'm looking for anything that will tell me how long it will take for this soul crushing sadness to subside.  I feel like such a pariah.  I make other people uncomfortable.  Hell, I make myself uncomfortable.  This week was supposed to be 30 weeks.  I cannot believe I'm part of 1%.  I will never, ever look at statistics the same way again.


  1. Hi Kaki,

    I feel for you. Statistics are a funny thing, aren't they? They tell you how much you're supposed to worry, and any optimist looks at numbers and figures they'll end up in the majority. So not true, eh? That 10 or 5 or 1% has to hit someone.

    Do you remember Mai Nomura from Gifu? Back in 06 I was going through some rough times and one night we were out, I was trying to articulate to her how horrible I felt and she said "don't worry, you'll forget." I haven't forgotten at all, but for some reason her comment stuck with me as a reminder that after enough time passes, there will be normalcy again. The world will feel normal again.

    I'm rooting for you and Dave.


  2. Hey sweetie.

    I'm sorry you're still feeling so raw, although I'm genuinely so proud of how you and Dave have coped through all this. You are both inspirationally strong and steadfast. I'd advise you not to worry whether what you're feeling throughout this whole time is "normal", if you feel it it's real and you deal with those emotions and get through.... which you will of course, because life's too short to let the painful things take tyrannical precedence.

    Gonna be home sometime towards the end of this month, can't wait to see you :) A ton of love to you xxx

  3. I only just dicovered your blog. I loved that fact that you lived in Japan, and you met David and you came home and you married and had a wonderful wedding and you were expecting a baby and you gave birth to her and she is with the Lord, but your story has certainly not ended. You will go and live in Canada, you will have a wonderful house, filled with your children, you will be in the comfort of your family and you have a wonderful husband who loves you.
    Kaki, I hope that you email me, I can be reached on or
    You have inspired me to start learning my languages French and Swedish and I too will travel. Thank you so much for your blog.

  4. Kaki - You've just opened up one HUGE topic for self reflection, and managed to put words to a reaction I have known a fair amount of times in the past. I won't empathize too much here as it's your space and I don't want to taint it or appropriate anything with my scenarios, but I may write about it soon.

    I don't 'understand' the source of your feeling, but I do so so well understand the way it is affecting you and the way it is demonstrating itself (for lack of a better word).

    Life will have ways of showing you that you are not, as a whole, how you feel right this very moment. And the triggers will come when you least expect it, as you've probably noticed, but progressively those little reminders of how you rock will evercome those electric shocks that go through your system every now and then.

    (can I promise that is true?)