Sunday, 18 July 2010
With that said, grieving is hard work. It's physically and emotionally draining and you can feel like you're going crazy. You can make positive progress then regress in a blink of the eye. Last week was particularly bad. I didn't go to work on Tuesday, just sat at home and cried. I know this is normal but I couldn't help but feel out of control in a very, very quiet way. I cried a lot last week then I got my period which made it seem a lot worse (mind you, I haven't stopped bleeding for 8 weeks). I thought a lot about death and dying and wondered if I'd ever feel the same again. I know for sure that I'll never be like I was before. My innocence is gone and I view the world with different lenses. It sucks for sure.
My boss said a funny thing to me the other day during one of our now regular lengthy chats. He said it appeared to him that my confidence was gone and I may want to consider a change of job where I'm not on the front line. It was like he was in my head. I have lost my confidence and I know I don't want to work with the public any longer, but in a way, it's a positive thing. I know I'm ready for a career change and him saying that was like confirmation that I'm ready for something new. I'm grateful for that.
I've been thinking about what I've learned over the last 2 months since my pregnancy was interrupted. I think I'll write about that tomorrow.