Sunday, 18 July 2010

Ruins

It is very important to me to be as authentic and as honest as possible in all facets of my life.  I very rarely tell fibs, even to protect people's feelings because I believe in the power of truth.  I guess it's for this reason why I'm so honest on this blog, particularly now when I'm in so much pain.  It's a process, one that thankfully few people have to go through, but one that is not talked about enough. In helping myself work through this maze, I hope I speak to others to help them understand what it's like, or to assure them that they're not alone.

With that said, grieving is hard work.  It's physically and emotionally draining and you can feel like you're going crazy.  You can make positive progress then regress in a blink of the eye.  Last week was particularly bad.  I didn't go to work on Tuesday, just sat at home and cried. I know this is normal but I couldn't help but feel out of control in a very, very quiet way.  I cried a lot last week then I got my period which made it seem a lot worse (mind you, I haven't stopped bleeding for 8 weeks).  I thought a lot about death and dying and wondered if I'd ever feel the same again.  I know for sure that I'll never be like I was before.  My innocence is gone and I view the world with different lenses.  It sucks for sure.

My boss said a funny thing to me the other day during one of our now regular lengthy chats.  He said it appeared to him that my confidence was gone and I may want to consider a change of job where I'm not on the front line.  It was like he was in my head.  I have lost my confidence and I know I don't want to work with the public any longer, but in a way, it's a positive thing.  I know I'm ready for a career change and him saying that was like confirmation that I'm ready for something new.  I'm grateful for that.

I've been thinking about what I've learned over the last 2 months since my pregnancy was interrupted.  I think I'll write about that tomorrow.

4 comments:

  1. Do you think that being on the front line helps or hurts your confidence? Are you worried retreating would leave you permanently feeling like you can't do it?

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  2. I hope that the career change goes well and is a positive step.

    FYI, I HATE working wit the public too. ;)

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  3. Good for you Kaki, if you need a change of job, do it, you have nothing to lose, you are bright, intelligent, talented and you have many gifts, you will pick the right job/career.

    God bless you!

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  4. C7, I don't think my job has an impact on my confidence. What I've been through has shaken my confidence which is impacting my job, but the bottom line is the two are somewhat seperate. I know I'll eventually come to terms with things and my confidence will bounce back, but my desire to change jobs/careers is something I've been dealing with for probably over a year now.

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