Saturday, 29 January 2011
So, I held a baby
My sister offered to come back and pick me up but I decided to stay. I figured I was going to be meeting babies of friends soon, so I guessed NOW was as good as time as any to break myself in. I called J-La to the room and told her I was freaking out. I couldn't stop crying but I managed to tell her babies still really, really freak me out and I was having a hard time. She rubbed my leg and tried to comfort me. I asked her to tell her friends about what happened because I couldn't pretend any longer. I cried for a while longer, pulled myself together and went back into the room where the baby was.
After some talking I asked to hold the baby. Yes, I asked to hold this baby. And I did. It wasn't so bad. He was an easy baby to handle and big too. I think he was 7 months old. I tried not to think of what Isla would have been like if she made it to that age.
I don't know. I think it was a wall I had to climb over. But it was hard. Happily, after they left, I had some amazingly strong and delicious gin and tonics and laughed the night away. I'm feeling my way through this. I'm trying my best.