Thursday, 27 May 2010

I was just thinking...

No one knows what to say. And they say things like "I can't find the words" or "no words are enough". But you know what? The fact they took the time to say that and just convey how sorry they are means the world to me. I know it's hard but I'm truly touched by how our friends and family, and even the midwives and doctors have rallied around Dave and I. Even people who read this blog, whom I've never even met have reached out and it touches my heart. The perfect words would be great, but the simple act of sending an email or calling long distance just to check up on us has meant the world. Thank you.

After reading Lara's blog yesterday, I realized that I'll always be the mother of a child that died. Even if I have 10 more children, my first one will be the one that died. And that killed me. And after I thought abut it a bit more, I felt like I'm now a member of a club that has so many members, yet we're afraid to talk freely in public because what happened to us is so sad. And that's tragic. It's a club I'd rather not be a part of but I am and I have to find a way to reconcile that. Then I felt shit thinking about that because I stopped thinking about Isla, who will never be all the things we envisioned for her. Her life has ended. Ours can still go on if we want it to. I need to properly mourn my little girl.

I will be going home next week due to the generous offer to bring me home from my BFF Dal and at the insistence of Dave and the whole world. I know I'll need this time to be around my closest and dearest. Dave is worried about me. The last two days have been the darkest yet. He wants me to go to recuperate and because he feels like I've been needing to go for a long time. He thinks that when I return home to him, we should start working on getting our life back. I've lost all faith, but deep down, I know he's right. Last night I told him I only get out of bed for him now. He said that I've always been the reason for him getting up in the morning and until recently, he had two. That made me cry. I hope that one day I'll be able to get up and be thankful for all that I have again. One day.


  1. Some time home sounds wonderful.

  2. May the time with your loved ones be healing and restorative for you.

  3. I sincerely hope the trip home helps.

    Remember to bring summer stuff because we are boiling over here. ;)

  4. Your husband sounds wonderful. It's so normal to have ups and downs. Once you start having good days, the downs seem so much worse, because you've had happy times to compare them to. The roller coaster will continue and seems like it will never stop...and who knows? Maybe it won't. Maybe the times up just get longer and longer but the down times will always happen. My doctor said it'd be six months before I really started to feel better and a year before I had any sense of normalcy...and it's impossible to imagine being this sad for that long.

    I hope you have a great weekend and that your trip home is healing!

  5. Viajera, thanks for the tip. I haven't been home for a MTL summer in 3 years! I got a few summer things yesterday and will bring ALL my summer stuff home.

    Lara, there's no real time line is there? I just heard that one day you wake up and realize you don't feel as bad anymore. And the next day, and the day after that feels better. I don't want to be so sad for a very long time. I have my wonderful husband to love and we will have new adventures to look forward to in the future. It's hard now but I do know time will help. We just need to remember that we should crawl before we run.