No one knows what to say. And they say things like "I can't find the words" or "no words are enough". But you know what? The fact they took the time to say that and just convey how sorry they are means the world to me. I know it's hard but I'm truly touched by how our friends and family, and even the midwives and doctors have rallied around Dave and I. Even people who read this blog, whom I've never even met have reached out and it touches my heart. The perfect words would be great, but the simple act of sending an email or calling long distance just to check up on us has meant the world. Thank you.
After reading Lara's blog yesterday, I realized that I'll always be the mother of a child that died. Even if I have 10 more children, my first one will be the one that died. And that killed me. And after I thought abut it a bit more, I felt like I'm now a member of a club that has so many members, yet we're afraid to talk freely in public because what happened to us is so sad. And that's tragic. It's a club I'd rather not be a part of but I am and I have to find a way to reconcile that. Then I felt shit thinking about that because I stopped thinking about Isla, who will never be all the things we envisioned for her. Her life has ended. Ours can still go on if we want it to. I need to properly mourn my little girl.
I will be going home next week due to the generous offer to bring me home from my BFF Dal and at the insistence of Dave and the whole world. I know I'll need this time to be around my closest and dearest. Dave is worried about me. The last two days have been the darkest yet. He wants me to go to recuperate and because he feels like I've been needing to go for a long time. He thinks that when I return home to him, we should start working on getting our life back. I've lost all faith, but deep down, I know he's right. Last night I told him I only get out of bed for him now. He said that I've always been the reason for him getting up in the morning and until recently, he had two. That made me cry. I hope that one day I'll be able to get up and be thankful for all that I have again. One day.