20 Months

As much as I love this quote, I don't think in times of strife that being strong is the only choice you have.  You have a few.  You can fall apart.  You can be angry and bitter.  You can quit life and end it all.  Well, those are my choices, anyway.  I have been strong a lot of the time, that's true.  I choose to do so to honour my baby's life and to be there for my husband, mother, sisters and friends.  But it's hard being strong all the time.  Sometimes I consider other alternatives.  Like being angry and bitter.  I wore that crown several times over the last 20 months, but threw it away after a few days because it was too tight and too constricting.

Other times when I feel like being strong is just too tough, I consider ending it all.  To spell it out, I think about taking my own life (wow, that is really hard to write).  I think about departing either by my own hand or walking in front of a Mack truck, disregarding thoughts on how badly I would hurt everyone who loves me.  Sometimes, I just want the pain in my heart to end.  When I look at Isla's box and remember her meagre possessions (her hat, her necklace, her blanket and a card with her footprints and hand prints), it seems too much to bear for the rest of my life.  With this, I go to an ink black place and contemplate my little world without me.  Fortunately, I now have some hope in my heart and dismiss that course of action.

When these options fail to satisfy, I do the only other thing I can do instead of being strong - I fall apart. I cry for hours on end for several days in a row.  The tears I always think have been fully wrung out of me over the last 20 months seem to be in endless supply.  I don't try to stop them anymore.  Sometimes you just need to weep and feel the depth of your despair.  And there's nothing wrong with that. Losing a loved one changes you and you can never be the same again.  And that is mournful.  I think one thing I'd like to shout from the rooftops is that the pain never stops.  It's there in the shade of a sunny smile and at night after a great day.  And while the bright days grow more numerous between the the dark ones, they never fully go away.  To be honest, I don't think I could be strong without taking the opportunities to just go to pieces.